little less conversation little more sensation...

so when your upset with someone how do you make it clear to them...
do you shout and scream and cuase a scene?
do you snipe and dig ?
maybe you give them the silent treatment?

well i must admit that the later proves the most effect in making the other person feel guilty for whatever they have done. unless that person is me that is, see i have had the silent treatment sooo many times that i actually enjoy it!! makes life so much more peacefull and considering i never know what i have done half the time and in turn never find out it makes my life so much simpler.

but then again i am sure that shouting and cuasing a scene works for some it tends to be how i react after a few too many mojitos! and the snipping and digging that works wonders when its served in referance to the other half being a bit too over friendly with a member of my sex!!!

any way like those that have gone befor me i shall return to being given the silent treament and making the most of being able to watch telle in peace !

peace love and brown rice ! xox

the c word

ooh dear i have been up since 3 am this morning due to a pain in my breast... on investigating the cuase of the pain i have discovered a lump... my god my stomach is doing cart wheels!! i feel sick.. i phoned the doctors at 8 am when they opened and they cant offer me a appointment untill tomorow so i have another night of sleeplesnes.... this is the worst feeling ever i owuldnt wish this on my worst enemy ! im tearfull and just want to stick my head down the toilet !! roll on tomorow when the wait will be over ...

what have i done ???

ok so my mums not talking to me and i have no idea what i have done !!!!!
the worst thing is its bloody mothers day !!!! i sent a card and informed her on the envelope that i have a job interview tomorow and still she is ignoring me !

i give up on all this jazz !!!

im lost without a cuase .
im sick and tired of trying to please someone who is un-pleaseable !!!!
seirously i know her favourite child aint here but she could at least appreiciate the ones who are !!!

fuck it may as well go all out and really disopoint her !! at least then she mite actually shout at me or something ! cos this has been going on for too long i want out !!!

where ohhh where

so where have all the single men gone????

i know there are some but they are soo not hot!!
my god its friday night and i am sat in on here *obvi* wondering where all my mates went !! where have the days of parties and drugs gone!!! sure i have plenty of memories but seriously memories dont get you through a sad friday night in !! this is tragic!!!
i need a single male to take me out and show me a good time hmmmmm ........

alter ego

OK so what happens when your alter ego becomes who you really are?
how do you find who your really where??

cos i seem to have lost my self some where along the way whilst I've been hiding behind the mask of someone I'm really not !

coffeeeee

ok so i have had faaar too much coffe today after soo long without my starbucks fix!! and now i am suffering major caffine come down :( but any way i shall just ramble untill i feel a lil more human!!

so i have some issues with men at the moment !! why are they all soooo stupid and just dont get the signals you throw at them... so theres like 4 that could work out lets call them ..drake and billy and kris and harry... heres the low down .

billy... sorta had a thing a couple of years ago and i was drunk the other night and decided to tell him i liked him but as soon as i am sober im thinking NO and i dont wana fuck with his head.. as we have too many mutual mates and he is a cool freind not attractive tho untill ive had like 7 beers but then again after that many i think rick waller would be attractive.

then theres drake...
hes a mates ex and we have kind of had a thing casual but rare cos he told me the first time we got together that "it not like we are going to fall in love with each other" so i have been gaurded and all that jazz i do really like him and thought he "got" it ... no cos today he tells me he has a date hahaha great thanks for informing me of this ... heart in mouth gona vom in a gutter feeling...

ooh and then there is a another one ..

kris.. so we had a thing then i realied he was using me knowing full well that i loved him he just decided to play me for a fool , yet i still care about him and miss him muchly!!!! sighes cos he has dissapeared off the face of the earth... and then theres ..

Harry.. well this one i reallly like but its all a lil complicated as he is younger than me .. but i have devoloped a huge crush on him i would never do any thing about it but he gives me butterflies .. ooh deear my heads a mess ...

and theres me saying i dont want a boyfreind yet all that has been going through my mind the past couple of days since stating that fact is these messy sitations... and i really dont know wat do ......




hummm diddly humm my head is bloody spinning i would not advise this amount of caffine in any ones system after so long without it ..

any way do do do i think summer needs to hurry up !!!! im sick of being cold! and im sick of moaning about the cold. i want to be able to leave the house in a dress and flip flops and not have the hastle of thinking right have i got my scarfe and my gloves ...

* is it naturall to be seeing double *

ooh i made a decision today that doesnt involve men !! ha as if thats going to happen lol
any way i am going to grow my fringe out !! :D
im sick of this full fringe it keeps growing too fast! and poking me in the eye!!! ouch not a good look when you have half a eyeliner pencil on and your eyes start watering !!! end up looking like a tearfull clown cuaght in a storm !! or even worse clock work orange !!

i think i am going to vomit so im gona go stick my head down the toilet !!!

for now goodbye and avoid coffeeeeeeee

fine just fine....

so its been another one of those weeks. just living for the sake of living.
just so you know i suffer from depression:S
haa and most people think I'm some kind of psycho...
but ant way... where was i ooh yeah this week i have finally put my life into perspective.
i say this every week but i think this time it will be different because i know what i want and what i don't...

i don't want a boyfriend!!! the emotional drain the male species inflicts upon me is just not worth the hassle ! the last one sucked me dry of all the mental strength i had left.

i do want to sort my career out! which means raising £250 pounds! so i may consider all options in order to raise it nothing is out of bounds i am that desperate!

i do want to party !!! I'm sick of feeling like the only reason to get out of bed in the mornings is to pee i miss my full and extrovert social life .... saying that I'm off to get a bottle of wine ...

mmm Sicilian red nothing better ! especially on a sad Friday night in ! after a week of drinking nothing but tea and flavoured water and eating nothing but salads ...

aaany ways on to the actual content of my rambling ...

depression is a funny thing really cause i cant control it just like i can not control my emotions the slightest thing can send me into a downward spiral from a comment from my mum or just a build up of little things that i think are to insignificant to make a deal out of at the time they occur yet they stay etched in my mind until i just burst inwardly! i rarely lash out at any one but i do have a habit of holding it all in then i let rip in self destruct mode.

i stopped self harming last year after my attempted suicide.. fail! but i do still every thing within my power to hurt my self in other ways. like fucking up my relationships with Friends and family. but whenever they ask whats up cos they know me well enough to know when there is something bothering me i deny all knowledge and claim to be fine ... but you know what ! !! ! ! now every thing is going to be fine just fine !